Smile mama
My mom was big on celebrations, she loved love! We still have her romance novel colllection. I swear she would have been an Influencer if she was born in my generation because she documented everything.
As we scrape the last few days of Autum and the close of the month of May, a month that celebrated and commemorated our beloved matriarchs while spreading awareness around issues of mental health, I couldn't let the chapter close without sharing a piece of writing dedicated to the month. I recently watched a Tick Tok video snippet from an American podcast called Hardly Initiated. The guest co-anchor of the specific episode, Dr. Spirit, a global health leader, mental health revolutionary, licensed, and practicing therapist, said something that had me in a chock-hold for a couple of days and, to this day, crosses my mind every now and then. 'Do you guys know what the number one indicator is for how children grow up to thrive? Whether or not they actually do?' She asked the table. One of the co-anchors answers: 'I thought it was the Daddy in the house. 'Absolutely not, she answered. 'Believe it or not, it is the quality of their mother's happiness. 'The quality of their mother's happiness is the number one indicator as to whether or not a child will grow up to thrive. Because if you have a depressed mother, if you have aN anxious mother, if you have a mother with post-traumatic stress disorder; who is having to disconnect from her own body, she can't show up to nurture you. She can't show up to support you. She can't fully step into that space, and what she will teach you about being in relationships with other people - whether you can trust them, whether you can trust yourself, whether you can actually be committed and connected to somebody and know that they will reciprocate that to you in a healthy way, she teaches you that. Not through her words, but through her actions.' Let me give you a few moments to just meditate on her thoughts.
Whether you agree with her thought or not, we can't argue about the impact a matriarch's love has on our lives. I, for one, am the ultimate certified mommy's baby. My favourite moment in life was a vacation my mom and I took to Durban back in my pre-teens. I grew up closer to my maternal family, especially my maternal grandmother, and if you follow my TikTok account, you know I'm still recovering from losing both my mother and grandmother a few years ago. So I understand and resonate with Dr. Spirit's perspective on the impact mothers have on their children. With the rise in awareness of mental health issues over the past few years, many of us have shed light on how our upbringing has contributed to our adult characteristics. I am grateful for my mom's lessons on empathy and gratitude. She loved receiving a cup of tea after a long day at work, and she insisted I make it a certain way. Freshly boiled water, with a serve-yourself antre of teabag (Liptop was her go-to brand), brown sugar, and half a cup of hot milk on a tray with a very big mug. She patiently waited as I prepped her sundowner trey while she shared her 'day in the life of a marriage officer at Home Affairs!' Her favourite stories were always the gay couple's strories. When the tea tray finally arrived, she always thanked me, and not just a thank you, but the thank you always came with a compliment and a smile. To this day, smiles matter to me!! If I didn't have homework or if I was done with my home chores, then we'd watch the Ellen Degeneres show. Controversy aside, the show slapped; it featured feel-good dynamics that were infectious. The dancing, the give-aways, and, of course, the Rihanna appearances. Come to think of it, my coming-out conversation with my mom wasn't very intense; maybe our Ellen sessions and the queer couple's she officiated at work helped expose her to the LGBTQIA+ community.
My mom was big on celebrations, and she loved love. We still have her romance novel collection. I swear she would have been an Influencer if she was born in my generation because she documented everything. She journaled in her earlier years, and we basically have pictures of every significant occasion. Dates and locations were written on the backs of the pictures even. She had infectious feel-good energy, and when she wasn't in a good mood, you felt it. The highs were high and the lows... the lows, unfortunately were incredibly low, and if it was because of one of her children, it meant that child got a beating. As she aged, so did her parenting style. My sisters and I experienced three different mothers. My older sister and I have a 12-year age gap, and my little sister is 7 years younger than me. Yes, I am a middle child, and now you know why I overshare. My older sister experienced our mother in her early 20's, still figuring herself out; I experienced her in her early 30's; and my younger sister experienced her in her late 30's and 40's. We all had different ways of relating to her, and that groomed us to be totally different individuals with different perspectives even though we were raised by the same woman. In late 2018, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was a hard time for her and our family. She was very independent, and her diagnosis meant taking a break from work; her social activities, and it also meant relying on us, her daughters, for support. As her condition deteriorated, I witnessed her express vulnerability like never before. We became her mother's, and she became our daughter. For those who are clueless about cancer, the majority of the cause is stress. Your lifestyle and genetic factors play a significant role too, but predominantly your stress levels. These are lessons that I only discovered during her illness and after her passing.
Unfortunately, she did have very unsettling encounters in life and toxic relationships that she masked and braved through with a big smile and a cheerful personality, but because she didn't prioritise her mental health for reasons only she knew, those issues came to the surface in her later years in the form of a terminal illness. 'Approximately 19.4 million women aged 15 years and older live at-risk of being diagnosed with breast cancer – the cancer affecting women in South Africa the most. In 2013, deaths from breast cancer and cancers of the female genital tract, accounted for 0.7% and 1% of all deaths in South African respectively.' - CANSA These high statistics should be a wake-up call for us to prioritise our health and nudge our matriarchs to do the same.I've noticed that the older generation doesn't really respond well to instructions from us 'youngins' so sometimes it's better to plan relaxing activities and healthy meal prep sessions with them instead of asking them to do it themselves. A spa date, a walk in the park, followed by a healthy snack after a visit from the doctor's gets a way better response than a 'when last did you see a doctor?' Q&A session. In closing, Mom's young and old, living or crossed over. We love you, and we thank you for the sacrifices you make for us. To my mom in particular, your children miss you, we valued your presence on earth, and we are thankful for the time we spent with you. I personally count you as my biggest blessing, I see you in myself as I get older, and I can't wait to pass on your teachings and smile to my kids one day, God willing. Rest easy, Mpho wa rona!
